If you haven’t noticed, I really like skulls. Sugar skulls. Realistic skulls. Decorative skulls. Crystal skulls. If it has a skull on it, I probably want it. Or have to talk myself into walking away from it. My bathroom theme is skulls & skeletons, and others are sprinkled throughout my home. I sometimes describe it as “Low Key Goth”. Why do I do this? Why, as time progresses, do I decorate my home with more “Memento Mori”?  Over the years, I have come in contact with a lot of death. Patients dying in the nursing home. Losing my grandfather at 15, whom I adored (and still do). Friends dying unexpectedly. Suicide. It was a lot to process at times. It made me start to question the meaning of life. Why are we born to experience all this suffering? What is the purpose to all of this?  To me, adorning my house with skulls and the macabre is about accepting the inevitability of death. It’s the one sure thing. But it’s not about fearing it. Or wanting it to happen sooner rather t...

Today is my birthday. The first since the pandemic started (I just barely missed it last year). I honestly don’t even remember what dreams & aspirations that Jess had, what seems like an eternity ago. She wasn’t in the best place mentally, but she did the best she could. Back then, I would lament over my past mistakes, agonizing over each misstep. Now I realize all those moments, the heartbreak, the torment, the stress, they are just part of my story. I’ve learned to accept my past, flaws and all, to continue on this winding journey through life.  So, in honor of the past 33 years I decided to make a list of things that have helped me get to this point. I hope something will jump out at you, you can give it a try, and add a tool to your Toolbox. Maybe you can share some of your favorite activities, movies, etc. that help you when you’re struggling. Feel free to shoot me a message. (I like to lean against cemetery fences whilst reflecting) For some this may seem daunting, but ev...

I have a TERRIBLE memory. Friends and family will reference certain things, and I will gaze at them with a puzzled stare, frantically trying to dig into the recesses of my mind to what the hell they’re talking about. They often seem baffled and don’t understand why I am struggling so much to remember. This triggers me to become more anxious, feeling awful that I can’t remember what they’re talking about. Anxiety fogging my ability to think clearly or rationally, I either shut down completely, or spew out some slightly, but not really related comment, seemingly changing the direction of the conversation.  What they don’t realize is, my brain has SO much going on in it at any one time…  (Scene Opens): Jess and her friend Sue are sitting down to eat sushi **Checks Insulin Pump** Diabetes (DM): Okay cool. I’m 123 and steady. Sue and I are eating Sushi. Maybe go for a walk after. Hmmm… should I cover the whole meal? Eating Disorder (ED): But how many calories are in these rolls?...

I’ve considered doing some sort of Blog, Social Media Campaign, etc. for a long time. I see my fellow dietitians doing amazing stuff online. Spreading the good word that food is not the enemy and the importance of self love. Until now, I could never bring myself to take the leap of faith required. Even my brother would tell me I should give it a go, but the self-doubt was suffocating. I didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. How the hell can I help other people when I was struggling so much myself? Who would want to get nutrition advice from a woman who LOATHES herself, her body, and can’t seem to break free from the confines of her distorted thoughts around food? My weight has fluctuated A LOT over the years. Between relying more heavily on my disordered eating behaviors in times of stress, the yo-yo dieting, my thyroid taking a shit, and pregnancy, my weight has gone up and down, over and over again. Every time it would creep above a certain threshold I would feel ...

Hot Chocolate. Sounds innocent enough right? Not for me. This cup of hot chocolate has a lot of brain power behind it: “Hmmm. Lucy’s asleep? Nice winter day. I could go for Hot Chocolate. In the Mom Loft. Oh, we only have Regular hot chocolate? Do I Deserve said Regular hot chocolate? I’m Supposed to only have Diet hot chocolate (Not true! Food rule I am trying to overcome). But I WANT it. I deserve to enjoy my food irregardless of my diabetes, while making healthy decisions….. Freezes in the anxiety of making a decision that impacts my life, in every way possible.  **Checks Insulin Pump** Oh shit. My sugar is starting to dip. How many carbs am I having? And I have insulin on board? Hmm. Should I bolus now or later? I guess I’ll wait.”  On. And on. And on.  I don’t share this to complain. I’m getting used to it. I can argue with my inner demons. Instead of cowering in their shadow. Frozen. Unable to make a choice. I don’t want a pity party. But, I want people to unde...

I was diagnosed in the summer of 1999 at the age of 11. While getting routine blood work through my pediatrician, sugar showed up in my urine. In hindsight maybe I was showing mild symptoms, but I don’t really remember. Maybe some fatigue. Weight loss. Nothing crazy.  I was whisked off to Hershey Medical Center for further testing, which is a little over an hour from my house. Back in the late 90s (and I think still today) there weren’t any pediatric endocrinologists in my area. It’s funny looking back how my family and I didn’t realize how many times we would be making that drive for quarterly check ups, blood work, and sessions with the dietitians & diabetes educators for years to come. Once I was admitted, I was given permission to go HOG WILD in the hospital cafeteria (Hello Soft Serve Machine & Whoopie Pies) to see how my blood sugar would react. I was a literal kid in a candy shop, eating with reckless abandon. In retrospect, it is nice I could do that instead of drin...

In my last post, I talked about my spiritual quest. Incorporating a sprinkling of spirituality into my life has really been a game changer for me. Maybe one day I will write more about that, but for now it’s something I keep closer to my chest. Today… Today I want to introduce everyone to my pride and joy. THE MOM LOFT!!!  Being quarantined off and on for the past year, we all have spent a lot of time in our homes. If you’re a mom, very little of that time is ALONE. Even with the purest intentions of keeping the house orderly, my daughter’s toys are EVERYWHERE. I am pretty sure if you snuck into my house right now, Elmo & Grover would be hanging out on the kitchen table. Minnie & Mickey Mouse have taken over the couch. It's toy anarchy!! Where the hell do I go to unwind after surviving another day as a working mom of a toddler, managing diabetes and all the other fun stuff the last year has thrown at us?! Back in the fall, something deep inside me cried out. My soul needed ...

It sounds so cliche, but it’s true. Feel those mother-fucking feelings. At least, that’s what I need to do to get out of the vicious cycle. Self Loathing. Restriction. Deprivation. Binge. High Blood Sugar. Feel Shitty. Don’t Want to Feel Shitty. Eat to make the shitty feelings GO AWAY… Round and Round I Go. Jess’ Sick Masochistic Merry-Go-Round. When will it stop?! Nobody knows! (Shrug Emoji).  But, there is another way! For me, I began to make connections after a lot of soul searching, therapy, and every spiritual quest I could go on from the confines of my house. On these quests, I wanted to dig DEEP. The pandemic really held up a mirror to everyone’s demons. We didn’t have the distractions of our typically overbooked lives. I think it made us lean in HARD to our darker coping mechanisms. The ones deeply ingrained in our psyche. Some struggled with alcohol or substances. Others, it was food.  That was me. But honestly, the food has been there for FAR too long. High school he...

I’m sad. Sad a 15 year old girl with Type 1 Diabetes out there, somewhere, thinks she “needs” to lose weight. That her mother didn’t think that was an issue, and instead posted the question on Facebook for strangers to discuss. That’s how I came across it. In a Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) Facebook Group. I’ve found myself really curating my Social Media lately. Maybe it makes me seem sheltered, but I rather fill my brain with positive affirmations and DIY goth décor than MORE period schemes trying to sell people false hopes of health and weight loss (TRIGGER). Or someone posting about their Keto Diet (DOUBLE TRIGGER). So here I am on a Sunday, scrolling through my curated Facebook Feed, when I see that question posted: “My 15 year old daughter wants to lose about 10 lbs. She’s been T1D for 5 years. Any successful diets? She is very active. Competition swimmer. Thanks in advance!” That shit stopped me in my tracks. Why? WHY?? Why didn’t that mother say “You’re beautiful the way you...