Faded Memories

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I have a TERRIBLE memory. Friends and family will reference certain things, and I will gaze at them with a puzzled stare, frantically trying to dig into the recesses of my mind to what the hell they’re talking about. They often seem baffled and don’t understand why I am struggling so much to remember. This triggers me to become more anxious, feeling awful that I can’t remember what they’re talking about. Anxiety fogging my ability to think clearly or rationally, I either shut down completely, or spew out some slightly, but not really related comment, seemingly changing the direction of the conversation. 

What they don’t realize is, my brain has SO much going on in it at any one time… 

(Scene Opens): Jess and her friend Sue are sitting down to eat sushi

**Checks Insulin Pump**

Diabetes (DM): Okay cool. I’m 123 and steady. Sue and I are eating Sushi. Maybe go for a walk after. Hmmm… should I cover the whole meal?

Eating Disorder (ED): But how many calories are in these rolls?!?! How will I know how long to walk if I don’t know the CALORIES?!?! You must EARN your food!

**Frantically checks an app for carbohydrates AND calories of said sushi**

DM: Okay so the sushi is probably… 75 grams give or take? My pump says I need 10.7 units, but we are walking so I’ll need a little less. 

ED: Are you sure you want to eat THAT much sushi?!? (GASPS IN HORROR)

DM: We need energy if we are going for a walk….

**Stomach Audibly Growls**

ED: No we don’t, not if we want to LOSE WEIGHT DAMMIT!

Anxiety: YOU GUYS SUE IS LOOKING AT US!!! SAY SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

BRAIN MELTS WHILE STEAM COMES OUT OF JESS’ EARS

THIS. This is why I have such a hard time remembering things. Especially between the age of like… 15 or so until the pandemic. (It’s easy to remember what happens during the pandemic, because it’s NOTHING). My brain is trying so hard to juggle all these balls in the air, I am just bound to forget something. Diabetes… is life or death. So that kind of has to stay in the air. Oh, and hey there Anxiety!!! You are attracted to Diabetes like a goddamn magnet. The two go hand in hand, like the creepy ass Twins from the Shining.

And Eating Disorder??! Well he is really fucking LOUD. He is the guy at the party who thinks he is SO important, so he will talk over anyone and everyone. Those three, Diabetes, Anxiety, and Eating Disorder… they take up a lot of the real estate in my brain. The three main balls I would focus on while trying to juggle the rest (job, friends, family, random tidbits, etc). When my daughter was born, that added another ball that HAD to stay in the air. She was my life. My everything. My brain splinters off again. Another ball flies into the air. But what came with the gift of life? Postpartum Depression! You Mistress of Doom & Gloom. Draining me of my already zapped energy. Adding a dark fog over the entire situation. 

This is my Brain. It’s what I have to work with. I’ve finally come to accept it. Some things have improved, while others will always be there, for better or worse. But it has made me realize how much I have missed out on in those darker moments. When the fog was so dense I could barely see. There are things I KNOW in my gut I should remember, but I can’t for the life of me. Certain memories are coming back into focus, but others are probably lost to time. 

For the beautiful souls who have passed in and out of my life. The friends I’ve known forever, even if I can’t remember it. The family who do the best they can to be patient with me on my bad days. I’m so sorry for the memories I have lost with you. Or for disappearing, physically or emotionally, from our relationship. My mind may have been absent, but please know my heart was, and always will be with you. I will always remember the love. It is what gets me through. 

If this sounds like someone you know, do your best to be patient and kind. We truly are doing the best we can, even if it doesn’t seem like it. 

Love, Jess

P.S. Shout out to my awesome intern Morgan for making the Juggling Picture. You'll be seeing more of her work around here 😀

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