Mental Health Awareness Month
**Trigger Warning (TW): Discussion About Alcohol & Disordered Eating**
After living with type 1 diabetes (T1D) for the past 23 years, I’ve come to realize there is so much more to this condition than blood sugar checks, insulin doses, and carbohydrate counting. Mental health is a huge component, and one I do not feel is discussed enough in the diabetes community. Once I started working as a Registered Dietitian at a Drug & Alcohol Rehab, I discovered that being diagnosed with a chronic illness like T1D is actually considered a trauma. This in turn can lead to a host of mental health struggles, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and addiction. Growing up, I was always an anxious child and when I was diagnosed with T1D at 11, it definitely exacerbated it.
After my diagnosis, every move I made now required extra thought and care. One misstep could lead to a dangerous hypoglycemic episode, and any high made me fear potential long-term complications. Adding this to an already anxious mind can make it easy for the worry and stress to get out of hand. I am also very much a type A, perfectionistic personality. Anytime my blood sugars were out of whack, I was very hard on myself, which negatively impacted my mood. This is on top of the fact that blood sugar fluctuations in general can cause severe mood swings on its own. Even when I felt terrible, I would force a smile on my face. At the time I thought I was being brave, but suppressing my feelings, rather than acknowledging and working through them, only made things worse.
As I got older, the misinformation surrounding diabetes and comments from well-meaning individuals, such as “Should you be eating THAT?!”, drove me to develop an eating disorder in my teens. The amount of pressure on young girls to meet some unrealistic ideal, as well as the drive to be the “perfect” T1D sent me down a rabbit hole of restricting and over-exercising in the name of “health”. Due to the negative impact of restriction on the mind & body, this eventually led to binge eating. As you can imagine, binge eating with T1D leads to a plethora of issues, including crazy blood sugar fluctuations with a side of guilt & shame. Trying to hide my binging also added additional stress to my life, which can raise blood sugars just as much as the foods I was binging on. The very thing that provided me comfort, food, was also wreaking havoc on my life.
Upon entering my senior year of high school, I began experimenting with alcohol. What I didn’t realize at the time was that alcohol would become another demon I would have to wrestle with, along with my anxiety, depression, and disordered eating. Alcohol conspired against me with my eating disorder, fully taking over my brain and rational thought. I have not so fond memories of using the elliptical for hours just to “burn” the calories I was planning to consume in wine that evening. I would skip meals or skimp on my low blood sugar treatments so I had “enough” calories for my glass of wine at the end of the day. Even when I was restricting myself to a very low amount of calories, I would find a way to work alcohol into the equation. On top of diabetes, my drinking and eating disorder had me calculating every little moment of my life. It was all consuming.
When the pandemic hit, I was just starting to feel like myself again after a long struggle with postpartum depression. I had weaned myself off of my psychiatric medication to get pregnant with my daughter and unfortunately, I did not handle it well. Coping with a High Risk pregnancy left me exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. On top of it all, I lost one of my favorite coping mechanisms: Alcohol. What should have been a beautiful time was contorted by my body dysmorphia freaking out as my body expanded. I felt so exposed. Raw. Alone.
After my daughter was born, I was in the trenches with my eating disorder. Not actively engaging in it, but HATING my postpartum body with every fiber of my being. In the past when I would get to the point of utter despair, I would start restricting my calories and exercising furiously, but by this point I knew it wouldn’t work. It would always lead to me going down a rabbit hole with my binge eating. The deprivation was too much and my metabolism was shot, most likely from my previous decade or so of dieting. So what was left to fight back against the dark thoughts? Alcohol. I sought comfort and release after long days of surviving out in the seemingly dangerous pandemic world at the bottom of the bottle. For a long time I didn’t think it was problematic, since it was “just a few glasses of wine before bed” or “beers to relax on the weekend”. But in the summer of 2020 I hit my rock bottom, and it finally forced me to take a step back. It became clear my unhealthy coping mechanisms would drag me deeper into the hole of depression if I didn’t do something.
Around that time I started my Blog, Eclectic Mom Musings, and began really working on myself. Since my rock bottom in 2020, I've been trying to reevaluate EVERY part of my life. The people I share my energy with. The work I do. The habits I want to have and the ones I don't. Slowly, I've been chipping away at things that no longer serve me. At times I feel selfish focusing on myself so much, but how else can I make the changes I need to become a better person for myself and everyone in my life. To help question my distorted thoughts, I have been working regularly with a therapist and a registered dietitian, both who specialize in eating disorders. In the past, I struggled to find someone I could connect with and attend sessions on a regular basis. Finding a therapist is kind of like dating, and it can take time to find the right fit. But I implore those who are struggling to keep at it. The one silver lining of the pandemic has been the increased availability of online therapy sessions, which many insurances now cover.
Through hard work and perseverance, I am happy to say I have been alcohol free for over a year now. I do still have cravings for alcohol at times. After a long day of work, when I am emotionally drained, I can feel myself yearning for that glass of wine. But that craving further solidifies that I shouldn’t drink. The cravings show me there is something deeper going on that I need to address like stress or self-doubt. Drinking just masks those issues, and they are ready and waiting to bombard you once the alcohol haze subsides. Therapy has helped me develop healthy “tools” for my Mental Health Tool Box. Things I can do when I feel my anxiety rising or the urge to binge eat sneaks up on me. Whether it's journaling, meditating, coloring, or something else, these tools help me to regulate my mood without alcohol or food. What’s more, I’ve found when my mood is stable, my blood sugars tend to be as well.
For the first time in a long time, I am on the road to recovery. While my eating disorder tries to rear its ugly head from time to time, I feel much more capable of handling it. My anxiety and depression will never go away completely, but I know how best to take care of myself when I am struggling. Medication has also been a godsend for me. When I felt like I was drowning in my own mind, it was the life raft I needed to pull my head above water. For those out there grappling with their own mental health issues, please know it can and will get better. There are lots of resources out there and people willing to help you. Please don’t ever give up on yourself. You deserve all the love and compassion as you fight your demons.
Comments
Post a Comment