Lost in the Woods

Lately I've been feeling like I’m lost in the woods, or in some sort of weird limbo. This is the best I have felt in a long time, but it’s not what I had been anticipating. There are these fleeting moments when I start to feel like a true human being. Not the shell whose life is dictated by so many external factors: the Zombie Jess. Sure, I am better able to talk through and then go into situations that generally give me severe anxiety, but something is missing. I’m not entirely sure what. I’m making small, but sustainable changes in my life, while also celebrating bigger milestones, like being alcohol free for almost 8 months. That should be a bigger deal, but I’ve been hesitant to celebrate it. Not that I plan to drink again anytime soon, if ever. But I guess I thought I’d be “better” by now.  "Cured". I’d finally heal what had been ailing me. Anxiety. Depression. Self-loathing. 

Sadly no, they were there the whole time, alcohol just suppressed them, allowing the wounds to fester. I have now found myself working through a lot of things through a new lens, like it’s the first time all over again. It’s caused me to become more introspective, less open to sharing with the world. It’s why I’ve slowed down so much with this blog. In some ways, working on your mental health in true earnest can be just as exhausting as working on your physical health, but it’s not so obvious to the untrained eye. It can look like we are withdrawing, isolating, or being “selfish”. But truly those moments are self-preservation. A time to heal in private. 

This blog was a true lifesaver in the first half of the year. I had so much I wanted to share with those I love, the people in my life I care for, but had found myself too overwhelmed to do in any meaningful way. It’s weird how sharing online felt safer to me than more intimate conversations. I could whisper it into the abyss that is the world of social media, and let it find those who were meant to see it. Unfortunately, social media also is what has left me feeling so devoid of emotion at times. It’s a double edged sword, and made me feel like I had made a deal with the devil. Likes. Posts. Stories. TikToks. It becomes mind-numbing after a while.  

I began measuring my “worth” by the number of likes, clicks, and follows. Before I used the scale to tell me how to feel about myself each day. Every morning there was the hope of another pound lost, or at least maintenance. Those days I would walk around riding the high of false hopes and hunger. But if I gained even an ounce? Day. Ruined. 

The whole thing became so overwhelming, leaving me feeling just plain “yucky”. Yet again I find myself wandering back into the thick fog, dusk in the woods. Enough light to see a few feet ahead of me, but any further can feel disorienting. I’m trying so hard to focus on the here and now. Enjoying the little moments, because they truly are what gets me through the harder days. The “I love you mommy” moments. The cuddles on the couch. Laughing at absurd fictional wrestling. Right now I’m just trying to be. Be in this moment. Without letting the future dictate things to an excessive degree. Because life has proven time and time again that there is no guaranteed timeline for anyone. Everything can change in an instant. So I want to be there, for every moment. At least as best as I can in this distracting, overstimulating world we live in. 

Please know I am still here for any and all who need me. I may be distant in that I just need to focus on what’s in front of me, so I can eventually make my way through into the bright light of day. As the great Taylor Swift says “I just wanted you to know, this is me trying”.