Imposter
I’ve considered doing some sort of Blog, Social Media Campaign, etc. for a long time. I see my fellow dietitians doing amazing stuff online. Spreading the good word that food is not the enemy and the importance of self love. Until now, I could never bring myself to take the leap of faith required. Even my brother would tell me I should give it a go, but the self-doubt was suffocating. I didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I had to say. How the hell can I help other people when I was struggling so much myself? Who would want to get nutrition advice from a woman who LOATHES herself, her body, and can’t seem to break free from the confines of her distorted thoughts around food?
My weight has fluctuated A LOT over the years. Between relying more heavily on my disordered eating behaviors in times of stress, the yo-yo dieting, my thyroid taking a shit, and pregnancy, my weight has gone up and down, over and over again. Every time it would creep above a certain threshold I would feel so much guilt and shame. I HATED myself. And felt like no one, let alone my patients, would take me seriously as a dietitian.
The word SHOULD would come up a lot in my negative self talk. I SHOULD know better. I SHOULD be able to eat the “perfect” diet. I SHOULD look a certain way to work in this field. The thin, white female is what most people picture when they think of a dietitian (which is problematic in and of itself, but more on that another day). When I didn’t fit that unachievable “ideal”, I felt like a fraud. A failure. An imposter. Sitting in sessions with patients, I would sit in certain ways to hide my tummy. When we started having to wear masks for COVID-19, I honestly welcomed it because my face was covered up.
So here I am, a healthcare professional, with a degree, credentials, and YEARS of experience, still doubting myself because of the way I look?!? Like what the actual hell? Looking back I feel so much empathy for those different versions of myself. The college student who would restrict during the day so she could drink at night. The intern who self-soothed with food to deal with a verbally abusive, unfaithful boyfriend. The fiancé stress-eating while planning her wedding. The new mom, triggered to high hell by her postpartum body. I bet if you took a timeline of my life, every time a major stressor came up, my weight would fluctuate with it.
A lot of times when my weight would go up, I would try whatever new fangled miracle diet was popular at the time. Gluten Free. Paleo. Low Carb. Calorie Counting Apps. Weight Watchers. I’ve seriously tried it ALL. Each one would leave me feeling deprived, triggering binge eating behaviors. (There's that tricky Diet-Binge Cycle again!!!)
So why do I share all of this with you? Well, I think I have realized I actually have the ability to help people more than I ever gave myself credit for. I know what it’s like. I know the false sense of hope when you’re starting a new diet. I know the shame when it doesn’t “work” (they never do in the long term). I know what it’s like to cry in front of your mirror because nothing looks right on you. I know how all consuming the HATE towards your body can be. The struggles I've endured have made me stronger, and I am better able to relate. I don't pretend to have ALL the answers, and those who do are lying to you. No one has everything figured out all the time, nor should they.
There can be another way! Hate breeds negativity. Punishment. It seems counterintuitive to a lot of the messages spread in popular culture today, but how do you really take care of yourself if you don’t love yourself? It seems many people won’t give themselves permission to love themselves UNTIL they reach some random predetermined weight (which their body may not be able to achieve or maintain healthfully).
Most people know that they could be eating more fruits & vegetables. Or moving their body more. But something in their brain is holding them back. For so long, my brain associated exercise with punishment. Calorie Burning. Body Manipulation. But when I reframe it as a way to heal my body, it makes a world of difference. I describe it to my husband as “uncrossing the wires”.
Exercise isn’t fun or enjoyable when you’re doing it to try to CONTROL your body. Going for a walk to clear your head because you had a bad day and need some time to yourself? That’s self love. Salads can be boring and monotonous when you eat them everyday in the name of “health”. Adding your favorite veggies to the pizza you REALLY want on a night out with friends, that’s self love. Listening to your body. Instead of fighting against it.
If you need help uncrossing those tangled up wires in your brain, please reach out for help. It’s hard to relearn an entire thought process you’ve relied on for years. Therapy is a great option. Especially now, there are SO many that are offering sessions over Zoom. There are also dietitians who specialize in Intuitive Eating and Body Kindness. I am happy to offer suggestions as well. I’m here to help anyway I can. There is more to life than fitting into an unrealistic mold of what your body “should” be.
Love,
Jess
Resources:
YouTube Video on Imposter Syndrome
"Weight Science: Evaluating the Evidence for a Paradigm Shift"
Meme
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