Birthday Reflections
Today is my birthday. The first since the pandemic started (I just barely missed it last year). I honestly don’t even remember what dreams & aspirations that Jess had, what seems like an eternity ago. She wasn’t in the best place mentally, but she did the best she could. Back then, I would lament over my past mistakes, agonizing over each misstep. Now I realize all those moments, the heartbreak, the torment, the stress, they are just part of my story. I’ve learned to accept my past, flaws and all, to continue on this winding journey through life.
So, in honor of the past 33 years I decided to make a list of things that have helped me get to this point. I hope something will jump out at you, you can give it a try, and add a tool to your Toolbox. Maybe you can share some of your favorite activities, movies, etc. that help you when you’re struggling. Feel free to shoot me a message.
(I like to lean against cemetery fences whilst reflecting)
For some this may seem daunting, but even 5 minutes a day on one of these items will help tremendously. If you want to be the best version of yourself for those you love, you need to take the time to work on yourself. It feels selfish at first, especially if you’re a mom, but in the end you’ll be more engaged and present with everyone in your life. So without further ado, and in no particular order:
Jess’ Birthday Reflections
1. Make a “Feel Good” Toolbox. Add things you know that will help when you’re feeling triggered, anxious, etc. It can be pictures, quotes, arts & crafts. I’ve been collecting items as I clean out the house, and started a pile for mine. Right now I have notes from family members I've accumulated over the years, pictures that make me smile, and a few trinkets with sentimental value (I still need to find the right box to hold them, and I want to make sure even that brings me joy). But it will be something I can reach for in my darkest days, to remind me that light will shine again.
(Sally has her own "Feel Good" Basket for when she falls apart)
2. Listen to and honor your body. Resentment. Hatred. The more you fight against your body, the more it will push back. When you work with your body, really taking the time to slow down and acknowledge what you need in the moment, it greatly reduces the stress in your life. Acceptance is huge. Certain things I cannot change. I have Type 1 Diabetes, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Anxiety, Depression. Are these things going away anytime soon? Probably not. So accepting and working with my body instead of against it helps bring my life into balance.
3. Journaling is your best friend. For me, most of my life was spent quieting the voices in my head. Fighting them to the point of exhaustion or stuffing down the feelings with food, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Writing down the thoughts, ALL THE THOUGHTS, really helps me process them. The toxic, self-limiting thoughts lose their steam. When read back, I began to realize there was no proof for any of these statements. It took the wind right out of them. They lost their power over me. Writing things down also helps me reflect and appreciate all the good in my life, and practicing gratitude quiets the negative thoughts.
4. Foster your creativity. That part of the brain doesn’t get as much attention, at least not for me. I lost that fire long ago, most likely due to my fear of failure and need to be perceived as perfect. If I couldn’t master a skill, I’d write it off. “Oh I CAN’T do that. No, not my thing.” Excuse after excuse. Too afraid to try. Well, fuck that. I’ve found the more I work with that side of the brain, the happier I am. The beauty in creativity is there are no rules really. No way to obtain the false sense of “perfection”. So color. Write. Dance. Sing. Whatever lights your soul on fire.
5. Move your body in ways that promote joy. For a long time I equated the value of exercise by the amount of calories burned. Certain things were deemed “not worth it”. What a way to spend the precious moments of my life (with no guarantee of how long), evaluating the “efficiency” of different exercises. What I failed to realize was, if it didn’t soothe my soul and help my brain regroup, was it really worth it? Isn’t a hike with my family more fulfilling than torturing myself with exercise I hate? Now I’m trying to find ways to move my body that bring me joy. Right now it’s Yoga. My favorite YouTube Yoga Teacher is "Yoga with Adrienne": https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene
6. Don’t waste your brain power on counting calories, points, etc. I wasted so much time counting calories using an app on my phone. Or obsessing over a restaurant menu finding the “perfect” meal. I missed so many memories in those moments. Like I mentioned in my last post “Faded Memories”, so much of my mental capacity was taken up in those thoughts. I wish I could get those moments back, but I can’t. From now on, I want to make sure I don’t miss out.
7. Enjoy your food. Food has become so clinical. In breaking it down into its molecular components, it really loses the magic behind it. The tastes. The smells. The textures. No app can track the experiences surrounding your food. Your daughter’s first birthday cake. Your grandma's home cooked meals. Don’t miss those moments by being wrapped up in food rules.
8. Read. I described reading to my husband as “forced meditation”. It requires you to put your focus into one thing. Your brain gets to escape for a little while. I used to love reading when I was younger, devouring a book in no time. Then at some point that thirst for the written word faded away. But it’s the one thing I wish I had held onto in those darker times because the mental break books can provide is so refreshing. It can whisk you away to another world. You just can’t get that from binge watching yet another show.
9. Clean out your social media. Social media is a gift and a curse. I love how I can see what my family is doing across the country and they can watch my daughter grow. Connecting with like minded people on my “quirkier” interests makes me feel seen. But the fucking noise on those platforms is INSANE. The diet schemes. The influencers promising you the perfect product to make it ALL better. Smiling families making you wonder if anyone else struggles like you do. It’s overwhelming. It’s isolating. Help yourself out by getting rid of the unnecessary noise. You don’t need to see what Cecilia from high school is doing now (not a real person). What does it matter? Does it bring you joy? No. Then unfriend. We weren’t meant to know what everyone is doing all the time. Waste of brain space! Focus on YOU.
10. Put your DAMN phone down. This. Is. Hard. I get it. I’m not saying I’m amazing at this. But I’m really trying. I want to be more present in all aspects of my life. When I’m with my daughter I want to be really WITH her. Watching her play. Noticing her cute little quirks. I’ve realized in trying to capture all these moments on my phone, I missed out on experiencing them first hand. The memories are stronger when they have my full attention. Phones can be dangerous in that they can be used to numb you out. Don’t let it! Use your phone as a tool, but don't let it rob you of precious moments you can’t get back.
On that note I am going to put my phone down for a while and enjoy my day. I hope you will do the same!
💜Love, Jess
(I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion! But I have tools to help me cope)
Photographer: Holly Wagner Photography
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