Technology Tango

I’ve been performing a bit of a dance with my phone as of late. A technology tango if you will. I’m excited about sharing my journey in the hopes of inspiring others. Advocating. Giving a voice to those who feel alone in this world. It’s been incredibly therapeutic saying things that have been trapped inside my mind for years, processing my experiences. Unfortunately in doing so, I went HARD since starting this blog and burned myself out. 

I tend to overextend myself. When I’m feeling pretty good physically, mentally, and emotionally I run with it. When you live with chronic illness, both medically and psychologically, the good days are not guaranteed. They’re a happy surprise. It’s like the stars aligning, allowing me to get a taste of what it’s like for those without these conditions. I try to cross as many things off my to do/wish list as I can, not knowing when I’ll feel this good again. To the outside world, it looks erratic and inconsistent, but there is a method to the madness. 

I see the world suffering in so many ways and I know a little slice of that suffering. I’ve seen friends and family endure through tragedy. Patients coming back from the brink of death.  Life has so much strife and sadness in it, especially this past year. When I’m struggling, just the littlest ray of hope means the world to me. Now that I’m feeling better, I want to pay it forward. Be that little ray of hope for someone. 

But my relationship with technology is contentious at best. It can ease my anxiety in so many ways, like some of the items on my list. But as I dig down deep, I have come to realize how much social media in particular impacts my mood. It shouldn’t matter, but if I post something and it doesn’t get “enough likes” (who determines what enough is anyway?!) it bugs me. It’s like I gauge my self-worth using strangers and friends on social media; instead of basing it on the size of my pants or what the scale said, like I did in the throes of my eating disorder. I’ve stopped letting those things define me, but something just as insidious has taken its place. If I’m constantly looking to external factors or people for self-esteem and confidence, how can I truly be free?

For my Book Club, I am currently reading a book entitled “The Body Is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love”. In it, the author Sonya Renee Taylor discusses the difference between self-confidence, self-esteem, self-acceptance, and radical self love. Before reading this, I had never really taken the time to differentiate between them. I thought they were all the same, often heavily impacted by my weight and body image at any moment in time. Self-Confidence & Self-Esteem THRIVE off things like social media and likes on posts, because they are run by the EGO. Whereas Radical Self Love is learning to tune that noise out and embrace everything that you are, regardless what social media tells you. It takes inner strength, to tune that noise out. The three goals I’ve been working on are to slow down, be present, and breathe. And social media doesn’t do it for me. 

Technology also heavily influences my life in other ways. Insulin pumps. Continuous glucose monitors. I joke I am a walking robot, with all these devices helping to keep me alive and giving me flexibility and freedom to live my life the ways I see fit. Being connected to things 24/7 can be exhausting at times. It makes me want to run out into the woods naked, screaming as I throw my phone, pump, etc. into a raging river. But alas, I can’t. 

After completing my Dry April Challenge, I realized it’s time for me to take inventory of ALL the things that fill my days and how they impact me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Do they fill up my cup, helping me to become the best version of myself, or do they bleed the cup dry, leaving me feeling exhausted, drained?  With Social Media, I’m not so sure. It’s a great way to connect with like minded people. I’ve met some amazing people and made new friends through technology (Hi Macabre Moms!). But other than that I am still on the fence. And so for May, I’ve decided to challenge myself again: Social Media Free May!

I know this one will be difficult. Mindlessly scrolling through social media is a great way to numb out. But I don’t want to be numb to life anymore, I want to feel. Experience life in every way. And I want to see what that life is like without social media’s tangled web around me. And so, as of Saturday May 1st, I’m logging off for the month. I’ll still post my blogs, but I won’t be advertising them on Instagram or Facebook. If you’d like to be notified when a new post goes up, feel free to subscribe on the home page. I’ll also be working on a very exciting new project, which I’ll have more details about once Social Media Free May is over. 

I’ll see you guys next month!

Love 💜

Jess