Cry It OUT

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I’m going to be honest with you guys. I’ve REALLY been struggling the last few weeks. I was riding this high of self-discovery, doing yoga and meditating, when BOOM!! Life was like “You’re doing TOO well… it’s time to mix things up.” **Maniacal Laugh** High blood sugars from my steroid injections. Death in my husband's family. Anxiety. Difficult patients at work. COVID-19 Burnout. They ALL came to the party at the same time. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, but I repressed that urge. Kept going about my days. Working. Mom-ing. I didn't have the time to fall apart. 

Repressing it didn’t help. (Let me put on my surprised face…) In hindsight, I should have thrown myself a pity party and cried it out. But I didn’t want to. Why? Why is crying considered a sign of weakness in our society? Why does it make people cower? Repulsed by the display of emotion? Vulnerability is not a trait venerated in our culture, at least not when I was growing up. I’ve always been what some would call an “emotional” person. My favorite example is when I cried over a C on a math test… in 6th Grade!! The fact I was putting that much pressure on myself that young is concerning in and of itself, but I can unpack that another day. 

Crying was my automatic reaction to pretty much every negative emotion. Sad? Cry. Mad? Cry. Overwhelmed? Cry. Tired? CRY. But over the years, it got so many negative reactions. I get it. It can be a lot in the moment. But you know what? Five minutes crying it out makes me feel 100 times better than trying to shove the feelings back down.

I’m not sure when the crying decreased, but with it my anxiety and depression INCREASED tenfold. I would try everything in my power to suppress the emotions. Fight the urge to cry. I would mask it with food, and when I was older, alcohol. Anything to help me numb out, silence the negative emotions. Repress the tears. What if I had embraced the feelings? The urge to cry? Would I have been better able to cope with life’s ups and downs? Maybe. It’s hard to say. Depression can be defined as dwelling in the past. I can’t change it. But I can learn from it. Grow. Adapt. 

The last year has been rough for everyone and I’m no exception. I’m still human. Even with all the new tools and skills I’ve developed in therapy, I’m going to have my bad days. The days where I’m so overwhelmed I shut down. The days where my brain goes in a million different directions and I feel like I can’t breathe. The days where my head feels like it is going to explode. You know what has helped me the most in those moments?! Crying. Sitting in the Mom Loft silently weeping for a few minutes. I always feel SO much better after, ready to take on my day. Address the demons without suppressing them with food. 

Sometimes a good cry is truly the best medicine. So let it out. Feel the mother fucking feelings. Your beauty will shine through the tears. 💖

Love, Jess 


(Who Needs Before & After Pics When You Can Take CRYING Pics?!)

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