34

As I prepare to take another trip around the sun, entering my 34th year on this wacky planet, I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect. The past year has had a lot of ups and downs, but my ability to be mindful of my reactions and coping mechanisms to the low moments has been huge. I’ve been alcohol free for a little less than a year, which is weird for me to say honestly. Other than being pregnant, I’ve never gone that long without alcohol. I’d have spurts here or there, but never anything substantial. To some it may sound insignificant, but if you know what it's like to find comfort in that glass of wine after a long day, or the warmth of a beer boosting your confidence in social situations, then you know it’s a BIG DEAL for me. On top of it, I’ve been addressing my eating disorder in full earnest, in part by increasing my therapy to weekly sessions. Before this, whenever life got too hard, I would either drink or eat. With those two options off the table (mostly because recovering from an eating disorder is not a linear path), it has opened up space in my heart and soul to truly get to the route of my issues. 

Struggling with anxiety and depression for as long as I have, you would think I would have it all “figured out”, but I don’t. Not even close. The past year has given me a lot to process, aiding in developing a new perspective on how I approach life without hazing everything over with alcohol. For one thing, I’ve realized how much I project my negative inner monologue onto other people. I assume everyone is aware of all my insecurities and are fixating on them, judging me, just like I do. In the past I used alcohol to drown out that voice. Who cares what other people think when you’re buzzed right? The hard part of giving up certain coping mechanisms, albeit unhealthy ones, is those negative voices in your head get LOUDER at first, screaming: 

YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. 

YOU’RE A BURDEN TO THOSE YOU LOVE.

At times it is enough to bring me to my knees, questioning every decision I make. The thing about mental health is, when you’re really working on it, it can look like very little progress is being made from the outside. There’s no telltale look of a person working on their mind. No concrete “progress” to track like pounds lost or money earned. That’s been hard for me to wrap my head around. For so long, the sole way I would judge myself on how I was “doing” was my weight. It was my barometer to determine if I was allowed to go about my day with joy in my heart or deep seeded shame. Very little else has had that kind of hold over my brain.

Since truly hunkering down and acknowledging these toxic thought patterns, I’ve been “Marie Kondo’ing” my life, including the various thoughts & feelings that come up for me throughout the day. Does this bring me joy? Help me in some way? Why do I think this at all? Is it a crutch, holding me back from the life I want? Did younger Jess cling to this because she didn’t know what else to do? With the help of therapy and many self-help books, I’ve come to realize that my thoughts and feelings ARE NOT always correct. My brain THINKS it’s protecting me, but truly it often incapacitates me instead. Now, rather than following that negative thought down the rabbit hole, I try my best to take a step back and breathe. It’s not my automatic response, so it does take time and patience, but I find myself becoming better able to with consistency. Self-compassion in those moments is vital. 

My therapist has also helped me to realize, I really HATE acknowledging my feelings. It makes me uncomfortable, like I’m unworthy of all the blessings I have in my life if I allow that one negative feeling to be acknowledged. Or if I allow myself to fully give into the feeling, I will end up drowning in it. Unfortunately, by letting those feelings go on lurking in the background, it allows them to fester, growing inside until they have nowhere to go but outward in unhealthy, unproductive ways. That's when food (or lack thereof) and alcohol would come into play in the past. 

And so, I want to thank those of you who have provided me with your unconditional love & support through this everwinding road we call life. With all of this going on in my brain, plus my other struggles I’ve written about in the past, it is easy to get overwhelmed and shut down. The newest development is that I have some fun mix of autoimmune arthritis and diabetes induced carpal tunnel. This has been hindering my ability to do a lot of things I love and would often use as healthy coping mechanisms. Journaling. Coloring. Holding books is even starting to hurt, making my daughter’s bedtime routine difficult. On top of it all, it has made it challenging to keep up with this blog. It’s been disheartening at times, and I don’t like to complain, but the pain is definitely starting to get to me. I’m thankful I have certain resources to fall back on in the darker moments. 

Even with all this going on, I still remain hopeful. I try my best to take things one day at a time. There is no point dwelling on the future and it’s many uncontrollable variables. All I can do is focus on the next right choice for myself, each and every day. I will have my moments and slip up, but instead of berating myself, I try my best to learn from it instead. Living with chronic physical & mental illnesses can make you start to resent your body, but this is the very reason I need to learn to embrace it, flaws and all. The only way to truly take care of yourself is listening to your body when it cries out for rest, nourishment, and love. That is what I intend to focus on as I move forward with carpal tunnel surgery. As this all progresses, I will be limited in my ability to use my hands. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to write again, but for now I wish you all the light, love, and happiness you need till we meet again.

Love, Jess 💜