Food Fears
**Trigger Warning: Disordered Eating Discussion**
March is National Nutrition Month (NNM) and last week, my birthday week ironically, was National Eating Disorders Awareness (NEDA) Week. In the past, I would have associated these events as just another part of my job. While working as a Registered Dietitian, I would often do fun events for my patients during NNM, such as cooking demos & giveaways. In stark contrast, NEDA Week would often come and go with very little acknowledgment from me, probably because it hit too close to home. This year is different. I want to really dig into the nitty gritty of my relationship with food & exercise. In doing so, I am hoping those who read this find some of their own struggles put into words. Putting a name to the demons helps you to fight back.
I’ve discussed my contentious relationship with food in previous posts, something that developed for several reasons. Having Type 1 Diabetes definitely sparked anxiety around food when I was younger, but certain stressful life events pushed me to find comfort in either restricting or binge eating. When my world felt chaotic, food was the one thing I could manipulate, feigning some sort of false sense of control. It was one of the coping mechanisms I learned early on in life, and it’s been with me ever since. Whispering in my ear like the devil on my shoulder.
Over the years, my eating habits would ebb and flow between calorie counting or binge eating. I would sometimes use my health conditions as an excuse for these behaviors. I was “gluten intolerant” for years on and off, but deep down I knew it was just a way to avoid certain foods. This form of restriction often led me to numb out on “safe” foods, such as peanut butter and gluten free treats. Some low blood sugars would set me off into a full on binge, which then led me to restrict the next day to “compensate” for those calories. I was on a roller coaster ride, holding on to the one coping mechanism that was always there—disordered eating—even though it was keeping me stuck in a nightmare.
There is a new term I’ve been seeing pop up more, and a recent article from Cosmopolitan really highlighted its meaning for me. It’s called Orthorexia. In the simplest terms, orthorexia is an unhealthy obsession with being “healthy”. You may know someone who fits the description: afraid of certain foods or food groups. Labels their foods as “clean” (unless it’s fallen in dirt, your food isn’t dirty btw). Exercises religiously and obsessively. From a clinical perspective it isn’t an official diagnosis in the DSM-5 (the tool used for psychologists to diagnose mental health disorders, including eating disorders), but it does fall into the diagnoses of either: other specified feeding or eating disorder (OSFED) or unspecified feeding or eating disorder (UFED). These disorders don’t get the attention that anorexia or bulimia get at times, but they all wreak havoc emotionally, mentally, and physically.
A healthy lifestyle is important, but it shouldn’t take over everything. If your whole identity is your “clean” eating and exercise routine, what happens to the other aspects of your life? It can almost become an addiction, a compulsion. After years on the disordered eating roller coaster, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. The highs and lows left me disoriented, unable to be present for the important people and events in my life. Again I ask, if you think of your life now, is it what you want to remember on your deathbed? It’s a morbid question, I get it, but it’s the question I often ask myself. “Will I remember this fondly? Or look back in sadness for missing out on making memories?”
As much as I love social media for connecting with people I otherwise wouldn’t, there is a dark, insidious side to it. Some of the posts I see (which has decreased only due to my carefully curated social media filled with plants, skulls, and body positivity) are about different “lifestyles” and “supplements” that promise to make everything better. Living with existential dread?! Here, take this “Detox Tea” to purge yourself of those nasty feelings! Can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror?! All you need to do is to stop eating gluten, dairy, fat, sugar, etc. Starve your brain and body of essential nutrients. IT’S SO EASY!
All these quick fixes aren’t getting to the root of the problem. They’re just there to take advantage of our insecurities. Make money off our self loathing. But no tea, diet, fasting regimen, or supplement can help with those things. You have to look inward, at yourself, and find the true reason you cling to these quick fixes or disordered behaviors. A lot of people don’t like that. It’s scary and can really mess with your emotions. To realize WHY you do things the way you do can require digging up traumatic things from your past. But it isn’t about dwelling in the past, it is about learning from it so you can grow.
That is why I am such a huge proponent of therapy. Digging in and doing the work to better yourself on a true, holistic level takes time and patience. There are tons of great resources out there to help you along the way, but for me, I really need that neutral third party to help me start to question those disordered eating thoughts. Help me conquer my food fears head on. Right now, I work with my therapist, as well as a dietitian who specializes in disordered eating. I journal things I want to discuss with them further, and then I can see if my thoughts are valid or the eating disorder trying to sneak in.
So please know you’re not alone. It can feel very isolating when you have this sort of relationship with food, maddening even. But there is another way. It’s not going to be easy, or a “quick fix” but most things in life that are worth doing rarely are. If you need a friend, I am here. We can talk, vent, or cry together. Whatever you need.
💜Love, Jess
Resources:
Eating Disorder Screening Tool
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